Special Delivery!

Well. It seems that I am not the only person out there who keeps a running mental shit list. That makes me feel better about the fact that my inner monologue is about 90% mean and only 10% nice. That kind of makes sense though, right? I mean, if I have something nice to say, I’m going to just say it. No need to keep it to inner monologue status. But the mean stuff – well, let’s just say that it’s a whole lot EASIER to say “what a cute kid you have; I think pigtails are adorable” than “your child is running around like a wild banshee, and OMG did you cut her hair with pruning shears?” You see what I mean.

Anyway, I’ve been dying to tell you this story all day and it can’t wait a moment longer:

This morning, I was driving to work, kind of just in that driving zone where you’re on auto-pilot, you know? (Am I the only one who frequently drives places – especially to/from work –  and then, once I get there, have no specific recollection of driving there? I mean, I know that I DID, but the details are kind of… hazy. No?) So I’m stopped at a light, and all of the sudden, WHAM.

Except that this WHAM was not the normal, oh crap I just got rear-ended kind of WHAM. This was a WHAM from… above.

(Well, above and on the passenger side, if you want to get specific. Anyway.)

So I jolt myself out of my driving coma and look over to see… a Fed Ex man picking himself up off the side of the road.

Yes. A Fed Ex man fell on my car while I was stopped at a red light.

I bet you would like to know how this happened. Luckily for you, I got out of the car to make sure that he was all right. So I got the full story. I also made you a handy diagram:

This is My Art.

So, I guess what happened is that the Fed Ex dude pulled over so that he could deliver a package to the house on the corner, but he blocked the little walkway with his truck. (The big black box that I forgot to label is his truck. His truck wasn’t as close to my car as it looks in my drawing, but I would have had to kind of swerve around him once the light turned green.) So, since the walkway was blocked, he kind of climbed over the stone wall that was there. He delivered the package, and then went to climb over the top of the wall again. I guess he was standing on the top of the wall and went to hop down, but instead took a flying leap and went SPLAT on the top/side of my car.

(I can’t decide if it was more of a WHAM or a SPLAT, but it was something big and it scared the bejeezus out of me.)

Well, the Fed Ex man was fine (also, Southern: “Well shit, I sure did make a damn fool of myself” said with the deepest drawl I have EVER heard) and I did also check the car for dents. (I felt awkward, because, I don’t know, was I expecting a giant Fed Ex Man shaped dent in my roof? But I don’t know what it takes to dent a car, and this wasn’t exactly a small Fed Ex man despite what you might picture from his wall-scaling attempts.)

(Plus, can you imagine that call to the insurance company? Yikes.)

It was quite the way to start my day. I almost  didn’t need a cup of coffee to wake me up.



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7 responses to “Special Delivery!

  1. Sarah

    I also do the autopilot thing–I’m here, but I have no recollection of driving specific parts of the route to get here.

    And that? Would have scared the heebeejeebees out of me!! Glad no one was hurt and nothing was damaged!

  2. Liz

    That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe you should play the lotto.

  3. -R-

    Wow. That is awesome.

  4. I can’t decide if that FedEx man was going above and beyond the call of duty, or if he was just plain stupid. It’s a tough call.

    Also, yes, I drive on autopilot. You’re not the only one.

  5. Hysterical! And your artwork is an awesome addition to the story!! Also, since I’ve lived in the South my entire life I can safely say that sounds like exactly what a Southern man would say when he does something so, um, odd.

    This is so much better than my story of getting rear ended twice in the month of December ’07 (once in my car and again two weeks later in a rental car while mine was in the body shop).

  6. Well this certainly isn’t a story I’m going to read on just *any* blog. Glad everyone is OK 🙂

  7. holy crap, what a story!

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