The following people are officially on notice:
Cube Neighbor #1: I am so sick of your name dropping and desperate attempts to make yourself sound important on the phone. Actually, every time you are on the phone I have to fight the urge to scream. Did you know that one of our co-workers actually bought earplugs and frequently wears them at her desk? She was forced to do this because not even putting on headphones and turning up her music all the way could drown out the sound of your obnoxious voice. Oh, and we all want to know how your husband puts up with you, because if the way you talk to him on the phone at work is any indication, the poor dude doesn’t have a very good home life.
Cube Neighbor #2 (of the leftover pizza-eating fame): Did you know that your accent sounds fake? I don’t think it actually is, but your accent sounds like someone non-British trying to do a British accent. Sometimes I think that’s funny but today I think it means that you should STOP TALKING.
My mother: Do you realize that you just sent me a 10 paragraph long e-mail about the cat? What, exactly, am I supposed to write in response to that? And yet, if I don’t respond, you will send me an e-mail in about a week with all sorts of guilt trips about assuming that I am dead since I did not respond to your last e-mail about the stupid cat. I suppose it could be worse – you could be CALLING me instead of e-mailing me.
The dentist’s office: I don’t know how to make it any more clear that I DO NOT owe you $107.56. I don’t owe you. I have proof of that from my insurance company. Stop sending me letters telling me that I owe you. And stop telling that it will be taken care of, when all you’re going to do is send me another damn letter. Hint: “I’ll make a note on your file” is not code for “I’ll forget all about this the moment we hang up the phone and then I’ll send another letter.” Go away.
OK – who’s on your shit list today?