This morning at work I had to go to a kind of ‘get to know you’ meeting with a some new people in our group and our SVP. I decided that I would like to bake something to bring to the meeting (I wasn’t sucking up, I swear – I just like to bake.)
7:30pm: Shit. I shouldn’t have stayed at work so late. Now I have to go to the grocery store on my way home and then go home and then bake and I have to do some more stuff for that other meeting in the morning and I would really like to go to sleep early tonight since I was up so late last night.
7:35pm: Shit. Now I just drove right the hell past the grocery store. Idiot. Do not feel like turning around. Will make something with ingredients at home – I must have enough stuff to make SOMETHING.
7:45pm: Shit. Why are we out of peanut butter? And chocolate chips? And everything else that I need to make my favorite recipes. Fine. I will pull out my trusty Betty Crocker cookbook and find something.
7:50pm: Oh look! Here is a new coffee cake recipe. I think I have all the ingredients. And I can make it in my new fancy bundt pan and it will look all pretty.
7:51pm: I should double-check to make sure that I have everything I need.
7:51:30pm: Nah. I’ll just get started.
7:55pm: La la la. Where the heck is my whole wheat flour? Oh. That bag is almost empty. Well then, recipe, how do you feel about all-purpose flour? I think you’ll like it.
8:00pm: Um, recipe? Dark brown sugar? How about light brown sugar? It’s basically the same thing.
8:15pm: One and a half cups sour cream. Ok.
8:16pm: Shit. I could have sworn this container was almost full. How is there only a 1/2 cup in there? Recipe, you don’t look like you think a 1/2 cup is going to cut it.
8:17pm: Hello, Mr. Google. Please tell me some recipe substitutions for sour cream.
8:18pm: Yogurt, you say? I think I have some yogurt. Let me check.
8:19pm: Mr. Google, I understand that blueberry yogurt is not exactly what you meant, but surely we don’t have to be so literal, right? Besides, I think the fruit is on the bottom, which means that I can just take the stuff of the top, which is essentially plain yogurt anyway. Stop looking at me like that, it is totally NOT cheating.
8:20pm: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE FRUIT IS NOT ON THE BOTTOM? On the plus side, yum, blueberry yogurt.
8:21pm: Ok, Mr. Google, how about some alternatives?
8:22pm: Buttermilk, you say? Mixed with butter? Hmmm. That might work, IF I HAD ANY BUTTERMILK. Shit.
8:23pm: I think I can just MAKE buttermilk! Brilliant! Quick, Mr. Google, tell me how.
8:24pm: Did you know that if you mix a tablespoon of lemon juice with a cup of milk, and then let it sit for 5 minutes, it will make an appropriate substitute for buttermilk? And did you know that if you mix one cup of buttermilk with 1/3 cup of butter, it will make a substitute for sour cream? AM GODDAMN RECIPE GENIUS! VICTORY IS MINE.
8:30pm: Get into the oven, Mr. Coffee Cake.
9:45pm: Time to come out of the oven, Mr. Coffee Cake. Don’t you look so pretty. Let’s let you cool in your pan for a few minutes.
9:55pm: Time to come out of the pan, Mr. Coffee Cake! Now you be good to momma, and come out easily and without leaving little chunks of yourself stuck to the pan.
9:56pm: Success! I’d like to thank the academy, and especially Pam for Baking.
10:15pm: Ok, Mr. Coffee Cake. Let’s glaze you. We’ll need 2-3 teaspoons of milk.
10:16pm: …Annnnd, it looks like it will be 2 teaspoons, since now we’re out of milk.
10:17pm: And now will put in 1/2 cup of powdered sugar.
10:18pm: Hmm. If I was powdered sugar, where would I be in this kitchen? Because it is most definitely not in the spot that it has been every single day since we moved here.
10:22pm: Um, powdered sugar? Could you stop hiding now? Please?
10:25pm: Oh, there you are. Why the hell are you in the cabinet with the vases? ‘Tis a mystery.
10:26pm: Now for the vanilla. And oh goodie, it looks like the bottle of vanilla has fallen over in the cabinet and spilled. At least there wasn’t that much left. And at least the cabinet smells kind of pretty now. And at least I had the foresight to realize that I was running low and buy another bottle. Whew.
10:30pm: Cake, you were a mighty contender, but I declare myself victorious. Now let’s just hope you taste good.
9:00am, at the meeting: Oh, don’t be silly. It was absolutely no problem at all!
(At least it tastes good.)