Ski Bunny: A beginner’s guide.

Step 1: Show up at mountain full of trepidation. This is only your third year skiing! Why did you want to continue this activity? Why did you get your boyfriend new ski gear and a pass to a nearby mountain for Christmas? You have brought this on yourself.

Step 2: Gain a glimmer of confidence when you realize that last time you went skiing, it was NEGATIVE THREE degrees, and you still managed. This time the degrees are being measured in positive numbers, which is very, very good.

Step 3: Get on chair lift. Go down bunny slope. All is good! You can do this!

Step 4: Go down bunny slope several more times. Decide it is time to graduate to better things. Green is for sissies. It’s time for a blue trail.

Step 5: You are on the chair lift, feeling your confidence ebb. It doesn’t help that the chair lift takes you over the ‘all-terrain’ park and you are feeling like an old lady, because snowboarding over rails and giant jumps looks like NO FUN AT ALL, and after you voice that opinion the random kid on the chair lift with you looks at you like, you know what, lady, I think that YOU are NO FUN AT ALL.

Step 6: Here you go! You are… well, you’re doing it! Yay! Let’s try that again.

Step 7: Same chair lift, same trail, about 10 more times. You are awesome. You are the best damn skier the world has ever seen. Look at you go.

Step 8: You have just hit a patch of ice while going into a turn. That’s OK, you’ll be fine. What you want to do is just turn turn the tips of your skis towards the top of the mountain, because that will slow you down. Gravity (or is it momentum? or maybe physics?) is awesome.

Step 9: Well, it sure looks like that worked. Except, oh wait, that’s another huge patch of ice and OH SHIT, YOU ARE NOW GOING BACKWARDS DOWN THE MOUNTAIN.

Step 10: ABORT. ABORT. Aeeeeeeiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!

Step 11: Claw frantically at the snow and attempt to stick your ski pole into it to stop you. This does not work. Continue sliding backwards down the mountain.

Step 12: Realize that the only solution is to fall. Remember that the other times you have fallen, you have been sprawled on the snow before you had a chance to think about it. So, you don’t really have a, ah, technique for falling.

Step 13: Hurl body to one side. Tumble for a few feet while ski pops off.

Step 14: LAND ON SKI. Ouch.

Step 15: (Later in day.) Realize that you now have a binding shaped bruise on your ass. It is surprisingly similar to this bruise, but even larger and even more oddly shaped.

Step 16: Skiing is FUN! Make plans to go next weekend.

(Step 17 should be ‘make appointment to get head examined.’ But skiing really is fun! And with the exception of that one spectacular moment, it went really well yesterday.)

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Ski Bunny: A beginner’s guide.

  1. Hee. Step 10 was my favorite.

    Hope the bruise is healing quickly!

  2. -R-

    Sounds… fun, I guess. =)

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