Usually this blog is a good outlet for me. I can whine, complain, or blather endlessly and no one seems to mind. I love getting comments, and love that I have some new bloggy friends to follow and read about. (I can call you friends, right?)
Sometimes, though, I kind of… freeze up. There are so many things going on and so many thoughts swirling around that the effort to put hands to keyboard is just too much. I guess this is just the way I tend to be. When something is overwhelming, I need some time to mull things over before I can decide on a plan of action or talk about them. It’s like all of this thinking overloads the part of my brain that gives me the ability to speak (or write). I’m not sure what this says about the capacity of my brain, but we’ll just ignore that, OK?
Anyway, on Wednesday I went to see the doctor to ask about additional treatments for migraines. I’ve had migraines for a while, and they’ve always been an annoying, but manageable condition. For the last 6 months though, they’ve been steadily getting worse. I’ve been getting them MUCH more frequently, and they last longer and have more severe symptoms. I’ve been sick and unhappy, and I really needed to do something about it.
So, I’ll be starting a new daily preventative medication tonight. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this – according to the doctor and the pharmacist, this medication takes some time to get used to. For the first few weeks I’m likely to be groggy, and as the pharmacist put it, “this medication has the potential to affect your mood negatively.” I think this is code for, “You’re going to be cranky.” When I mentioned this to Matt, he gave me a deer in headlights look and said, “Umm… did she say exactly HOW cranky? AND FOR HOW LONG?” Poor guy.
One of the other side effects (although a rare one) is listed as ‘excessive weight gain’. You have got to be kidding me. If this happens, I will personally guarantee that you have never SEEN cranky like you will see if I experience excessive weight gain. Because first of all, I just worked my ass off to lose twenty pounds, and that is just not fair. And second of all, if I AM going to have excessive weight gain, I would much rather that it be due to excessive doughnut consumption instead of some stupid medication. (Of course, this is a rare side effect, and I’m sure if it happened the doctor would switch the medication to something different, but STILL.)
I also got a stronger anti-nausea drug, and I swear when the doctor looked at me sympathetically when I told him about the never-ending nausea I almost hopped off the exam table and hugged him. I think he might have been freaked out by that, so I didn’t do it, but I was pretty happy that he understood the feeling of ‘please please make it stop’ that comes with nausea.
I’m going for an MRI today (ack they are going to put me in a little enclosed space ack ack ack) “just to make sure nothing is seriously wrong”. (Code for: we want to make sure you don’t have giant brain tumors.) I’ve had them before, and I’ve never had any giant brain tumors, but I do understand the need to double-check since I’ve been getting worse. I also have to see a neurologist in a few weeks, to see if the preventative is working and to see if there is anything else that they can do.
Sorry for the detailed medical information, but I guess that all of this is to say that I feel pretty good about this treatment plan. I’m glad to be actually DOING something to control this condition, and I’m happy that the doctor listened to me and really worked with me, and I’m hopeful that this will all work and I will stop being this miserable person who lays in dark, silent rooms all the time. I’ll be able to go out, and have fun, and I don’t think it’s too strong a statement to say that I really, really want my life back. And I think that I am going to get it.
Why, then, do I feel like throwing a giant pity party? I don’t WANT to be on a medication every day from now until the foreseeable future. I don’t WANT to have an MRI (where they are going to put me a little tiny space ack ack ack). I don’t WANT to deal with any of this. Honestly, I feel like a petulant teenager who is refusing to clean her room. I don’t quite understand it, but I can’t help it. In theory, I should feel great! In reality, I’m kind of… meh.
Last night I kept dreaming that I went to have the MRI and every time they would try start they would ask me if I had any metal on my body, and I would double-check and find something I had forgotten about. I would tell them to wait while I took off the earrings/watch etc and they would sigh very impatiently. In the dream, I finally burst into tears and yelled, “I don’t want to do this! I want to know what is going to happen!”
I usually think that reading into your dreams is a bunch of crock, because usually I dream about having superpowers or fighting crime, and yet I have NEVER been able to fly or read minds in real life, no matter how hard I’ve tried. But I think in this case my subconscious was right. I’m nervous because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if this is going to work or if I’m going to keep having to switch medications and dealing with the side effects in the meantime. I’m nervous that I’m going to keep getting migraines and they’re just going to get worse and worse until I won’t have a life and everyone will hate me because I’m not the same person that I used to be. I’m nervous that even though the chances are incredibly slim, the MRI WILL show that I have giant brain tumors.
I’m trying to give myself a little pep talk, telling myself that at least I am DOING SOMETHING. Everything might go perfectly, and that would be great, but even if it doesn’t, even if it takes me some time to figure out the right treatment plan, that’s OK. At least I will be actively working to find a solution. That’s all I can do right now.