For an explanation of my NaBloPoMo theme, click here.
OK, so I’m slammed at work today and you know what that means? It means that you only get a bulleted list of my embarrassment. Today’s theme is grocery shopping, because after work I need to go grocery shopping so that I can make a cake for my boss’ birthday, which is tomorrow. (No, I am not just sucking up – I like my boss a lot.) How much embarrassment can happen while grocery shopping? Well…
- You know in movies, when someone pulls one piece of fruit out of the display, and the whole thing falls down, and you think to yourself ‘that would never happen – the whole thing wouldn’t fall down like that.’ You would be wrong. I have done this twice. The first time I was dumb and pulled an apple out of the middle, but the second time I took it off the TOP, and the damn thing still fell down everywhere. And apples, man, those babies can ROLL.
- There was also the time that I dropped a bottle of soda and it… exploded. Everywhere. But especially on me. And the old lady who was also in the aisle at the time. She was, well, rather unhappy. And also sticky, I’d imagine.
- One time I dropped a can of soup directly onto my foot, and (like any reasonable person would do) yelled, ‘Shit!’ I did not mean to say it in front of a lady and her two small children, but you would have too! It was heavy and I was only wearing flip-flops. I think this is a situation in which a person cannot be held responsible for involuntary utterances of profanity. However, the lady did not agree, and she proceeded to berate me for a good 5 minutes while many other customers overheard her. (However, at one point in her lecture, she used the word Damn, so who’s the bad influence now, lady?)
- And finally, because I have not told nearly enough vomit-related stories yet, I once threw up in Aisle 6. (The soda aisle, if you were wondering, because I guess I am cursed while in the soda aisle.) I was in college at the time, and I was by myself, and let me just state once and for all that it is a very bad idea to go grocery shopping (for chicken soup and ginger ale) when you find yourself stricken with a stomach bug. Let someone else do it for you, even if you have to wait until your roommate gets back from class. It will be worth it to avoid the stares of horror from other shoppers, and especially from the pimply teenager with the mop.
Annnnd, with that, let us all cross our fingers that I relive exactly none of these experiences as I grocery shop tonight.