My Funny Valentine

[The following is the text of an e-mail that I just received from Matt. From this e-mail, you should be able to tell two things: 1) He is hilarious, and if you don’t think so then you suck, and 2) Clearly not much is happening at his place of work today. Names and addresses have been changed to protect the innocent those who do not wish to be stalked.]

Subject: Easter

We make for celebrations of the Easter to be GREAT SUCCESS!!  VERY NICE.

And if you haven’t seen Borat… here are the Easter plans

I.  Where is Easter 07?

We determined that [our address] would be the best place for Easter this year.  Why?  There are so many reasons, but here are a few:

1.  Convenient location for [name of our town] residents (28% of the Easter guests are [name of our town] residents)

2.  Twice the amount of fireplaces as [his parent’s address]

3.  Target furniture that is “to die for.”

4.  Scented candles, need I say more?

5.  Video games – more systems and more games

6.  A fully stocked bar

7.  Two heating zones (that’s right, TWO)

8.  Central air, in case the fires get too hot (see #2)

9.  A fully stocked bar

10.  Dungeon room in the basement

As you can see, clearly [our address] is the ideal Easter location.  However there have been some questions posed.  As such, I have put together an FAQ section (FAQ is Frequently Asked Questions):

II.  Frequently Asked Questions

1.  Why is Easter 07 at [our address]? 

     See Section I – “Where is Easter 07?”

2.  Where do I go if I have a question about Easter 07?

     See Section II – “Frequently Asked Questions”

3.  What about the swap?

     The swap is still on.  We are on ‘K’

[Explanation: At each holiday, Matt’s family has a Yankee Swap. The items swapped must begin with a certain letter – they work their way through the alphabet. $10 limit. The items range from useful to annoying to hilarious. Case in point: Thanksgiving’s letter was I. Matt gave an Illuminated Cow from Walmart. At Christmas, Matt’s uncle was proudly displaying the cow (complete with illumination) on his front lawn. I couldn’t make this shit up.]

4.  If I bring KKK memorabilia to the swap, does it count as a triple K gift?

     Great question.  Yes, and if it is a KKK kayak, it would be a quadruple.

[OK – we IN NO WAY support the KKK. It’s just that there are bonus points for double letters. PLEASE NO MAKING THE HATE MAIL.]

5.  Can I bring my fiancé?

     Yes.

6.  Can we expect the menu to include things other than pizza and pasta with butter?

     Yes, see Section III – “The Menu” for more information

7.  What would be an appropriate Easter gift for the host?

     Great question, a dog.

8.  I understand your birthday is coming up, what do you want?

    See #7

9.  What is the beer/wine/liquor situation?

     See Section I.  “Where is Easter 07?” #6 and #9

10. Is there going to be an egg hunt?

      Bring your X-ray glasses.

11.  Where can I go for more information?

      Visit http://www.easter07isat[ouraddress]thisisnotarealwebsite.com

12.  That link does not work.

      That’s not a question and I can’t believe you actually thought I would create a website for this.

13.  What about desert?

      See Section IV. “Ert”

14.  When is Easter?

      Sunday, April 8th

15.  Why is Easter on a Sunday?

       I don’t know.  You’d have to ask Jesus.  He’s the one who rose from the dead on a Sunday.

III.  The Menu

Traditionally, ham is eaten at Easter, but I wouldn’t really know because I don’t eat that.  With the amount of people that do not eat ham, some questions have been raised as to what we should have for Easter dinner.  Some of the following suggestions have been made:

-Ham

-Lasagna

-Salad

-Traditional [Matt’s last name] Chinese food

This one is pretty much open.  We determined earlier, we would do a “pot luck” dinner, where everyone brings something.  I think we should just see what everyone wants and then determine what everyone should bring.  So, if everyone could respond to this e-mail and just let me know if you want one of the above choices or anything else and we can update this section.

IV.  Ert

Traditionally, broken glass pie is served as Easter ert.  However, this one is pretty much open.  Just like with the menu, if want to bring something, just let me know so I can add it to this e-mail so that no one brings the same thing.  And yes, the bunny cake will likely be returning.

[Bunny Cake is a tradition from my family. You make two round cakes. One stays round. On the other one, you kind of cut off the sides to make bunny ears. The middle part becomes either a bow tie for a boy bunny or a hair bow for a girl bunny. Decorate with ridiculous amounts of candy. Tip: add a few drops of red food coloring to coconut to make fuzzy pink ears. We made bunny cake for Easter last year and let’s just say that Matt’s looked… umm… interesting.]

V.  Concluding Remarks

If any one has any questions/comments/suggestions, let me know either by responding to this e-mail, giving me a call or filling out a feedback form on the official website of Easter 07: http://www.easter07is[ouraddress]thisisnotarealwebsite.com

Please also review sections III and IV and let me know your dinner and ert suggestions.  Also check Section II and see if you have any questions to add to the FAQ.

Matt

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “My Funny Valentine

  1. Jen

    That IS funny. Matt is funny. I like me some Matt.
    My husband, Big Hands, sent me an email prior to Valentines Day with a link to White Castle. His message was: I know you wanted to do something special for Valentines Day this year.

    Being with a comic makes it so much more bearable, right???!!!

    PS
    I love love LOVE the Alphabet Game thing. That sounds Fantastic! I would love to know what Broken Glass Pie is.
    Also, the Illuminated Cow made me think of that song by the Flaming Lips: Thank you Jack White, for the fiberoptic Jesus that you gave me.
    ~ever heard it? Hilarious!!

  2. -R-

    I also think the gift exchange sounds fun. My suggestion is a copy of the movie Karate Kid. I bet you could get one for less than $10!

    Is the word “dessert” too long to type out or what?

  3. Broken glass pie is, in my opinion, disgusting. This is because it involves Jello and I personally believe that Jello should be banished from the planet. I couldn’t find a recipe in the 2 seconds I spent on Google but I would imagine that they’re out there if you feel like searching. Just don’t tell me about it if you end up making and eating it, because ewww, yuck, gag.

    The swap is hilarious – I highly recommend it as a way to liven up family gatherings. That and, you know, booze. We tried so hard to find a Jesus to befriend the Illuminated Cow, but by the time we went shopping Walmart was all out. The nerve of them. I want my cheap plastic goods and I want them now.

    I’m totally giving a copy of Karate Kid for Easter’s swap. Thanks, -R-!! (And ‘ert is just Matt’s family’s nickname for dessert. Weirdos.)

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