The Holiest Bar

I told this story about nine fragillion times on Saturday night, so I figured what’s once more for the Innernet, they like a good tale, no?

When Matt and I started dating, he lived by himself in an apartment. Being the bachelor that he was at the time, he decided that what his apartment really needed was a lot of liquor. His job at the time required him to make frequent trips across the NH border, and since NH is the land of state-run liquor stores with the cheapest booze in the known world, he was able to begin his liquor collection quite easily.

Once we started dating, I would go with him to NH and we would pick things out together. We had fun making up drinks and serving them to our unsuspecting friends. Heh.

(Before I continue, I feel the need to point out that we are NOT insane lushes. We don’t throw many parties, and even when we do they are typically not huge wild frat-party insanity. Matt just enjoys playing bartender and I enjoy a good martini every now and again.)

One day, Matt called me in excitement and said, “Guess what I got at a yard-sale.”

I guessed a lot of things, but none of them were correct, because what he had gotten at the yard-sale was the ugliest bar on this earth. The base was covered in this awful blue carpet-type material, and there was a life-ring (like from a boat) hanging from the front. I can’t do justice to it’s atrocity, so you will just have to trust me. But, Matt loved it and I do admit that it came in handy for him to have a bar in addition to a crapload of alcohol.

However, when he moved in with me, there was no way that thing was going in the house, so I sent it to live in the garage, where it promptly got mildewed and warped and covered in spiders. Matt didn’t mind because I let him turn one of the rooms in our apartment into man-town and he had all the beer posters and video games a guy could ask for.

Then when we bought our house and were packing to move Matt discovered the state of his poor ugly bar and lamented its loss. I gave him a choice: when we moved he could have either a big-ass TV or a new bar. Being the smart boy that he is, he chose the bar, as he knew that no way in hell would I pay over a hundred dollars for the cable bill every month so the big-ass TV would be no more than a waste of an HD tuner.

We began looking on Craig’s List and soon found an item that met our criteria for price, size, non-ugliness, etc. Matt contacted the sellers and we agreed on a date to go look at the bar. Even better, they had a pick-up truck and if we bought it they would follow us back home with it.

On the appointed day, we followed our directions and arrived on the street we had been told – but we couldn’t find the house. We drove back and forth until I, being the sound voice of reason that I am, said, “well, we’re looking for number 1030. If that down there is 1010 and that down there is 1040, we must be going to one of these places in between.”

As we narrowed our search I finally spotted the place and pointed it out to Matt. “But,” he said, “that CAN’T be it. That’s a church.”

I convinced him to pull into the parking lot while he called the lady to find out what was going on – we though we had the wrong street number. Instead she said she had seen us pull up and would be right out.

We looked at each other wide-eyed as we followed her into the church. She led us to the back room where she showed us the merchandise. The bar was beautiful. Great condition. And IN A CHURCH.

“Isn’t it great,” she said. “It’s perfect for serving food on. And we always put the cash register on it when we have bake sales.” Matt and I looked at the built-in wine rack, the slots for holding stem-ware, and slowly nodded.

“It’s a really nice bar,” Matt said.

“???” from the lady. Then finally, “Yeah, it’s great for serving food on.”

The lady’s husband finally showed up with the pickup truck and Matt and the guy loaded the bar into the pickup truck. Matt tried to make smalltalk with the (crazy weird) guy and got one word responses until the guy asked, “So, what are you going to use this for?”

Matt’s incredulous response: “As a bar.” And then the guy didn’t speak another word at all to him after that.

Once we finally got back to our house, Matt and Crazy Guy brought the bar into the house while I paid Crazy Lady. We had been planning to negotiate the price a little bit but I just couldn’t – I felt like that would have been like trying to cheat God out of some cash. After I paid her, she asked me if I had accepted Jesus as my personal savior. To which I replied something like:

“Erm, um, church! We love church! We’re… Catholic! Yessiree, Catholic, that’s what we are. And, Jesus! I love Jesus! Wanna give him a hug.”

Yeah, that was awkward.

But we got a great bar out of the deal, so I suffered through it. Later, when we were setting up the bar I showed Matt the pamphlets that the lady had given me and told him how awkward it was.

“Oh, yeah,” he said, “the dude tried the same thing with me. I just told him that weren’t religious and weren’t interested.”

So now these people know that we are an UNMARRIED COUPLE LIVING IN SIN WHO DRINK SO MUCH THEY HAVE TO BUY A BAR AND WHO LIE ABOUT GOING TO CHURCH.

Oh yeah, and did I forget to mention that they KNOW WHERE WE LIVE????

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